Night Fright Resolved in the Family System

Who knew that by my husband and I talking about our current fears our daughter would no longer be afraid to go to bed! It all started one night when our daughter was six years old and she got up during the night and could not find us in the house. We were in the very back of our basement on the computer, but when she called down there we didn’t hear her. She was really scared and eventually made her way back there to find us. But it started a pattern where every night when we put her to bed she was afraid and she wanted to know where we were going to be in the house or tell us we couldn’t leave the second floor.

We tried reasoning with her and telling her we wouldn’t leave her alone and that we would be somewhere in the house. She would cry and beg us not to leave. We set up a system where we put a stuffed animal on the top of the stairs to let her know we left the floor. None of it made a difference.

We brought the issue into our parenting coaching session with Dr. Bob Wright and we were surprised that rather than try and figure out what was wrong with her, he asked how the two of us were doing and what we were afraid of but not talking about. What did this have to do with our daughter’s night fright? Knowing a bit about family systems I understood that sometimes if feelings are being withheld in the system someone else will play those feelings out. It turns out that once we started talking my husband and had a lot we were afraid of. He had just started his own company and I had recently gone back to work after having been a stay at home mom for four years. These were exciting changes but we were ignoring the fear we were also experiencing. Once we started openly expressing this fear with each other and talking as a family acknowledging the changes that were going on my daughter’s fears literally stopped! She had unconsciously been playing out the fear in the family system. So now, whenever one of our daughters starts acting out in some way we look at what is going on with each other as the first step in dealing with it.

Anxious soccer mom

I don’t think I am alone when I say watching my children play in sporting events is an anxiety provoking endeavor. Sure, we say it is all about wanting them to learn how to play a sport, be a good team member, and just have fun, but the truth is those things are only a small part of what is really going on. At age 4 my daughter hit the soccer field. I came to the first game and actually expected her to be good! Not only that – I wanted her to be the “best” one on the team. I even imagined her being “discovered” and me being told how much natural talent she has. Knowing that might be a stretch, I at the least I wanted her to be better than the other girls. Now, nine years later when I watch one of them not being as aggressive or as “good” as another player I feel angry and want to criticize them and yell at them to do better.

As a parenting coach I know that what is going on is a classic case of living through my children. I want them to fulfill all my unmet hopes and dreams. I’m the one who is hoping to “be discovered.” It is actually a natural part of parenting to want for my kids what we didn’t have or achieve, but when I don’t recognize this other part in myself my kids are going to end up feeling they have to perform for me. So anytime I feel the feelings I described above I have to go back to myself and ask how well I am doing at going for it fully in my life.

A Unique Rite of Passage

Our daughter turned 13 in August. In addition to feeling old and part of the cliche, "they grow up in a blink of an eye," I was very stirred by this birthday. As I watched her with her friends at her birthday party I didn't choke back the tears - I let them stream down my face. I felt a combination of sadness at how fleeting and precious the time I have with her is, joy at what a lovely young woman she is, and fear at what lies ahead as she fully enters adolescence. I know that the groundwork has been laid as to how she will manage the tumult of this stage of life and my husband and I have worked hard and conscientiously to be decent role models for her. But I also know it is time for us to let go at another level and for her to take more responsibility for her choices.

So, we invited her to join us at a training my husband and I have done for years called the Soft Addictions Training led by Judith Wright. She had only done parent/child trainings at the Wright Leadership Institute so this would be her first "adult" training. I wanted her to gain insights into why we create bad habits and more importantly have tools and strategies on how to deal with them. I was really proud of her as it is challenging material besides the fact you are sitting still most of the day for 2.5 days! Even better, she was proud of herself and said at the end it was a really big deal to do this.